Thoughts and some pics

This whole experience has been like a rollercoaster ride for me, going through up’s and down’s almost daily. I ask myself, kind of a lot, why I have to go through something that most people will never go through in there lifetime. I come up with many different reasons, and hopefully someday this whole experience will make complete sense to me. I try to stay positive to help me get through each day, which can be sometimes hard and for right now, I just try to get through this time in my life, one day at a time, and I can’t wait for the day when this is all over. Be thankful ALWAYS for what you can do right now because if you’re not careful, it could be gone in seconds, which is what I have to remind myself almost daily when I get frustrated about not being able to do something I use to be able to do before. When I first realized I was in the hospital I could not even fathom the idea that someday I would be the same person again. I can confirm the truth in this scripture from the Doctrine & Covenants because all my improvements have been so small that it’s hard for me a lot of the time to see the small improvements that I’m making daily. D&C64:33 “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”
I don’t think these pictures I’ve posted have been posted before so hopefully they are new to the viewer. My Uncle took these pictures, it’s me I think the day after my surgery and I look pretty horrible right there.

Comparison: Hand-writing

I am right handed, have always been. When my right side was messed up, it was really hard to adjust. I don’t remember the first time I tried writing but what it looked like, it was horrible. The first picture displayed is a picture of one of the first times I wrote. My hand writing was a mess right after my accident, just scribbles on the paper. Having ataxia, I could not control the pen. During the first month, I had tubes down my throat making it so I could not communicate. Since I could not talk, I tried to write but no one could decipher what the scribbles on the paper said. When I realized no one could figure out what I was saying on the paper, I remembered I had learned the alphabet in sign-language when I was in second grade. I started spelling out each word with sign-language to communicate. My family printed off the alphabet from the internet to find out what I was trying to say. The second picture is what my hand-writing looked like about a month after the injury. A little better but still a mess, at least you can tell what I’m writing on the paper. Third picture is of my hand-writing on August 29 of last year. Last picture is what my hand-writing looks like right now. Much more controlled but still needs work and it still takes me sometime to write anything.

Comparison: My Voice

The first video is a song that my friend, Kelsie, and I performed at our high school talent show. We decided to record that song again, one night, just for fun, while being roommates together in college. The song, “Behind these hazel eyes”, originally performed by Kelly Clarkson, to hear my inspiration, listen to it here. Some parts of the song were changed from the original song to fit what my voice could do. The other video is how my voice sounds right now. I’m singing my favorite song by the LDS church, “Abide with me ‘tis eventide”. To listen too a much prettier version, you can listen to it here. The video doesn’t show my face because I hate watching myself sing right now. I know my voice isn’t the same right now but with lots of practice, prayers, and time my voice will sound the same again and if it doesn’t (unless it’s better) I’m going to keep working at it until it does.

Then


Now

Swallowing

It is really crazy how many little things the cerebellum controls. One of those things controlled by the cerebellum is swallowing and I had trouble with this for a little over 6 months after my surgery. Whenever something entered my mouth that made me have to swallow, I would cough uncontrollably after. At first, whenever I would cough, everything in my mouth would spray out everywhere, it was very embarrassing and way annoying when this would happen. I uploaded a video that shows somewhat of an example.

Progress Up-Date

For my 21st birthday I got a new camera and I have decided to video record my progress. I will post the video on my blog about, probably, every other month, hopefully. I got a new camera because I fell on my last one (stupid balance problem haha). Sorry about it being sideways. I had my sister record and she flipped the camera sideways, then I had no idea how to make it go the right way on the computer so, I’m really sorry about that. Next time the camera won’t be the wrong way. Because I didn’t want the video to be too long I left out some things I wanted to say. Since the right side of my cerebellum was the side removed, I have more problems on my right side. One of the problems is my right leg starts to shake when it gets tired. I’m not tired but my leg is and when it starts to shake, it tends to get really annoying. Another thing is my balance is horrible on my right leg. When I walk I have to hope that I’m balanced on each leg enough that I can step and not fall over. But, my walking has gotten SO much better; I can’t say enough that I have been incredibly blessed. There is tons more but I can’t list them all.

Re-learning How to Walk

Those first few months after my operation were incredibly hard. The first time my physical therapist had me stand was very hard. Because it took so much energy, I remember thinking I don't care if I ever stood again. The first time I walked with a walker my legs felt like jello, they would just flop along. I had two grown men on both sides to hold me up and then my walker. I would take about 5 steps and then turn around to go back to bed because it would take all the energy from me that I had. I thought I would never walk alone again. I remember thinking, “How in the WORLD can people walk on these two little sticks.” It was the weirdest concept to me. The first time I took a few steps on my own, I remember my sisters and I were in the front room. I was determined I was going to walk on my own. If I ever thought my life was hard before, now I wish for the problems I had then instead. When I took those first few steps by myself my sisters and I started to cry from joy. I will probably never have the joy that I had knowing I accomplished something that doctors thought I would never be able to do again. Now my walking is pretty good, pretty darn good for a girl that at one point couldn’t even lift her head off the pillow. I have been extremely blessed with my recovery. My older sister, Aubrey, when I was learning to walk she would tell me always, “If gymnast’s in the Olympics can do flips and land on this tiny little board, you can learn to walk.” I was so amazed by the athletes in the Winter Olympics. Amazing but we have to remember though, how blessed we are with these amazing bodies that can do so much. We have to remember it was our Heavenly Father that gave us our different talents and abilities and we can never become too confident in our abilities because they can be gone in one second. Did you ever hear about that US snowboarder that was training for the Olympics and hit his head on the half pipe and now has a TBI (traumatic brain injury)? Kevin Pearce, he is only a few months into it and oh my heck, those first few months are terrible. I was a healthy 19 yr. old who was training to do a ½ marathon that summer with my friend, Kelsie. I would say I was in pretty good shape at that time. Then, one day, I almost died, was in a bed unable to walk, talk, or do anything on my own. Well, I have rambled on way too much, just thought I would get some of my thoughts down.

Visit to Idaho

This last weekend we went to Idaho to visit some of those people that were a great help and showed their support while I was in the Hospital. Along with me were my mom, dad, and my younger sister Rachel. Friday we went to see the neurosurgeon that operated on my head and had removed the AVM. He wanted to see what I was capable of doing so he did some little movement tests and asked what I am doing right now. He was very pleased with the progress I had made. He told me just continue what I’m doing and then continue to get better. After that visit we went to have lunch at the Jamison’s, my relatives. Brenda Jamison, the mother of the family, would be like my mom when I was in the Hospital. She would take care of me so my mom could leave the Hospital a few hours a day. Then we hurried over to meet with President Clark, the president of BYU-Idaho. We talked with him, his wife, his secretary, and President Eyring ( the Apostles, Henry Eyring’s son. He is Stake president of some of the BYU-I wards). We talked for about a half-hour. Then the next day, Saturday, we went to lunch with my good friend, Kelsie and her husband, Nate at Bajio’s. For dinner we went over to Bishop Sevy’s house, the bishop of the singles ward that I was in at the time of my accident. For those who have no idea what a bishop is I’ll try to explain. A bishop acts like a father of a group of people haha sorry, I hope that helps. His sweet wife, Sister Sevy who also came to the hospital a lot to be with me while my mom left for a few hours a day, she had made a wonderful dinner for us. Later that night, the councilors in the bishopric of Bishop Sevy’s ward came over for a visit. The very next day, Sunday, my family and I went to the singles ward I use to be in, it made me miss it a lot. I told the ward a little about what happened and what was going on. After that we met with President Eyring again and had him give me a priesthood blessing. After all that, we headed home. It was a pretty hectic weekend but was really good.

The Neurosurgeon that operated on my head, Dr. Greenwald

Bishop and Sister Sevy

My family and I at lunch with Kelsie and Nate